


sing a song (for the eyes to sing along)

by orphan_account



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Bisexual Josh Dun, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Freeform, Gay Tyler Joseph, Glowing Eyes, M/M, No Smut, glowing eyes fic, joshler - Freeform, twenty one pilots - Freeform, tyler is an angsty fuck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-11 22:44:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7910482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"What the hell is the matter with you, Tyler?"</p><p>(or: the fic in which Josh just really loves his best friend, Tyler is extremely troubled, and mental illness is incredibly shitty.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	sing a song (for the eyes to sing along)

**Author's Note:**

> also dubbed 'the glowing eyes fic' by mikey.

"Tyler. Tyler, are you home?"

Tyler sits in his room, curtains drawn- only a sliver of light tumbling between the folds of fabric, lighting up the dust that float in the air around him. Tyler studies the dust, knees tucked up to his chest. He is sitting against his bed on the floor, facing the window so he can see the change in the light when it comes.

Light is important to Tyler. It reminds him of all things glowing, glowing things that make him okay again. And it's important to feel okay- or at least that's what Dr. Morrison says. He says, "Tyler, don't try to fight feeling okay- when you feel okay, you're getting better. When you're okay, the eyes can't get to you."

But sometimes, Tyler likes the company of the eyes. It's a strange sort of self-destructive company, but company nonetheless.

"Tyler?"

He shifts his head so it's resting on one hand, and narrows his eyes at the dust again. It's filtering through itself, weaving in and out in erratic patterns, lit up by the golden light. He smiles slightly, and then looks down at his hands, which are now resting on top of his folded legs. He can't remember ever moving them, but that's not new- sometimes, he'll do something, and not have any recollection of it the next minute.

He twists his fingers together and bends them upwards, observing his skin turn startlingly white, and then flush with color again once he stops bending them. It always fascinated him- skin and bone and what makes up his body. He always knew that stuff was there, see- but he never knew about the other stuff, the stuff that was in his skull and behind his eyes.

"Tyler? Hello?" He could hear footsteps ascending the staircase to his room. Tyler sighs and rolls his head back so it rests on the bed.

"Yeah?" He calls out, looking up at the cracked paint on the ceiling.

It's his mother. "Tyler, Josh is here. If you want to see him." She speaks without opening the door- something Tyler has trained her to do over the years.

Tyler hums, and looks back down at his fingers. "Okay," he speaks softly, barely heard through the door. He can hear his mother sigh, and murmur something- presumably to Josh, who soon after, opens the door.

It opens slowly, gently, making only a hiss of a squeak as the hinges are disturbed. Tyler clenches his eyes shut anyways, the small sound so loud in his personal space.

"Hey, Tyler," Josh speaks quietly.

Sometimes Tyler wonders why Josh is his friend. Tyler hates noise, only when it's music- he hates too much light, he hates people, he doesn't like strawberries and he skips Mondays- he doesn't do homework and when Josh and Tyler are paired up for a project, Tyler doesn't do anything, and yet, Josh is still here, tolerating Tyler and keeping Tyler sane.

Tyler is grateful for Josh, in that sense.

"Hey." Tyler's voice cracks a little as he speaks and he winces. He feels the bed dip a little behind his head and Josh's legs appear next to them where he's sat on the edge of the bed. Tyler rolls his head back around and stares up at Josh, who smiles down at him.

Tyler blinks, and smiles back a little, lips cracking from dehydration. "Is Monday over?" He asks hesitantly, eyebrows drawn up a bit in the middle. Josh chuckles and nods gently. Tyler breathes a sigh of relief. "What time is it?"

"Almost 5:30pm, Tyler. " Josh slides down so he sits next to Tyler on the floor. "How long have you been sitting here?" When Tyler only shrugs, Josh's look of concern deepens. "Have you eaten today?"

"I had breakfast," Tyler says, looking forward, back at the light, "I think." His Adam's apple bobs as he swallows nervously. "I don't really remember."

Josh inhales deeply. "Okay- are you hungry now?" Tyler shakes his head and Josh stands up, sighing. "Alright. C'mere." He holds out his hands and Tyler regards them cautiously, eyes narrowed slightly.

He takes them eventually, giving into Josh's trusting gaze. Tyler loves Josh's hands- they're rough and calloused, a memory and battle in each scar or line that runs through them. When they were younger, he remembers holding them and being met with soft, tender skin, incredibly different from the skin there now.

Josh guides Tyler to sit on the side of the bed. He's gazing off into space again- this time, observing a crack running up the off-white paint on the wall. Josh swallows a lump in his throat, remembering when Tyler wasn't so distant.

There was a time when Josh would come by after school and Tyler would beam at him, jumping into his arms and laughing. They would lay on the bed together and face each other, talking about God knows what, the lights on and curtains open.

Something happened- Josh doesn't know what, he never has. Tyler skipped a week of school and Josh would walk by his house every day, in hopes that he would see him, but the curtains were always closed- they never opened, not really, after that.

Every since, Tyler is different, more out of it, always looking for things that only he can see.

Josh sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Tyler, are you going to come to school tomorrow?" He asks gently, being as patient as he possibly can with the other boy. Tyler nods slightly. Josh smiles and lays back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling and straining his ears to hear something in the silence.

The bed dips next to Josh and he feels Tyler lie down next to him. Arms snake around his middle and Tyler rests his head on Josh's chest, closing his eyes. Josh smiles a watery smile.

It's silent for a long while. Tyler stays silent against Josh's chest, breathing softly on the fabric of Josh's shirt. The quiet is peaceful- nothing disturbs them. Josh silently strokes Tyler's hair, pulling softly, as Tyler stares off into space again.

It's silent until Josh hears Tyler crying. Josh can feel it, Tyler's body shaking gently against Josh's- his shirt begins to grow wet with Tyler's tears and Josh is hesitant to move in case Tyler gets scared.

"Tyler?" Josh whispers. It's grown much darker now, the sky fading from blue to pink and now to a dusky purple.

Tyler sits up, locking his fingers with Josh's. "You have to leave," he bites his lip, tears still streaming from his eyes silently.

"Wh-"

"Please," Tyler begs, pressing a fist to his mouth. He pulls his hand away from Josh's and presses his forearm to his stomach, curling in on himself. "I- You need to leave Josh, please-"

"Tyler, why?" Josh takes Tyler's hands. They got past the scared, no-homo phase a long time ago. "Why?"

"I-" Tyler begins to cry harder, still not a sound coming out of his mouth. He was always a silent crier, and it was somewhat unsettling to anyone watching. "I have other company." His eyes flit between Josh and something just over Josh's shoulder. Josh whips around to see what he is looking at and is met with nothing- just the same room Tyler has had his entire life. "Please," Tyler looks Josh dead in the eyes.

"Okay," Josh says, concerned. "I'll- I guess I'll see you tomorrow."

Tyler only nods, and as Josh closes the door behind him, he hears Tyler talking quietly to nobody, a slight waver in his voice.

•••

It's normal for a couple days after that. Tyler shows up to school and is less distant than normal, smiling at Josh and holding his hand sometimes. Josh goes to Tyler's house after school every day and they talk more, talking about whatever comes up and enjoying each other's presence. There's no crying, no staring into space- it's as normal as it can be, for them, at least.

Tyler looks bad, though, and Josh can see it- his eyes are surrounded by rings of a bruise-toned purple, his skin pale and blotchy red around his nose and eyes. He's getting thinner, too- his shoulders jutting out by his neck and his spine become a ridge of vertebrae, each and every notch visible under his skin.

Josh doesn't ask.

•••

"Josh?"

They're lying in Tyler's bed, curled up next to each other. Josh hums and looks down at Tyler, who is craning his neck up to look at Josh.

"My head hurts." He pouts, pressing his cheek harder into Josh's shoulder.

Josh frowns. "You might be dehydrated, Ty. How long has it been since you last drank water?"

Tyler opens his mouth to speak, but closes it, eyebrows furrowed. "I'm not sure? Maybe, like, since... since Tuesday?"

"That's two days, Ty! You need to drink more!" He sits up, gently pushing Tyler off of him. When Tyler makes a noise of protest, he hushes him. "I'm getting you water."

Josh quietly steps out of the room and makes his way down the stairs. The house hasn't changed much in the years that Josh has known Tyler- the carpet has stayed the same, the paint color, even the brown couch has stayed put.

He steps onto the last step and pauses- he can hear Tyler's mom on the phone in the kitchen. He begins to turn back, as to stay out of her business and respect her privacy, but stops at the mention of Tyler's name.

"Dr. Morrison, Tyler is... he's a fragile boy, you have to understand- yes, I know-" Josh can hear her exhale harshly. "Yes! Yes, I know. Just- listen to me, please? Thank you." She sighs and Josk can practically hear her rubbing a hand over her face. "Tyler is starting to- he's been, well, talking to nobody, recently. He says it's just the- the 'eyes' again but he never used to talk to them... and he doesn't have any friends, not really..."

Josh begins to turn back around, mortified for listening this long. Tyler had never mentioned anything called "the eyes" to him, but then again, it's been awhile since Tyler had really confided in Josh on a personal level. He shakes his head and makes a mental note to ask Tyler about it, and moves up one step- he is stopped by his own name being mentioned.

"Josh is his only friend... Oh, he told you? I'm surprised... He never talks about Josh... I think he is very protective of Josh... Okay, I'll see you on Monday... Thank you!" Josh hears Tyler's mother hang up on the other line and hears her groan in frustration, slapping the phone onto the counter. Josh hesitantly stepped off the staircase and into the kitchen, catching her attention. He waved shyly.

"Sorry, Ms. Joseph, I- I was just getting some water," Josh bit the inside of his cheek.

Tyler's mother smiled tiredly and nodded, picking up her phone and brushing out of the kitchen, placing her hand on Josh's shoulder briefly as she passed. "Please, call me Kelly."

He quickly fills the cup, the water cooling the glass in Josh's hand. He turns off the tap and runs up the stairs, stopping outside Tyler's bedroom door. He pauses, again, hearing noise coming from inside. He furrows his brow and pushes open the door slightly, just enough so that he can see the outline of Tyler sitting cross-legged on his bed in the dimly lit room.

Josh can see Tyler's lips moving, soft murmurs coming out. He watches as Tyler laughs, and that's when Josh knocks on the door quietly.

Tyler jumps, eyes wide, and his head whips around to face the door. He smiles a little smile when he sees Josh, and Josh takes that as an invitation inside. He pushes the glass into Tyler's hands and sighs inwardly when Tyler rolls his eyes with excess bravado. "Please," Josh almost begs Tyler. "Please drink it."

Tyler groans a bit and places the cup to his chapped lips. Josh observes as Tyler lets the water slide down his throat, not taking the glass out of his hands until the entire cup was empty. It's silent for a while until Tyler speaks in a sarcastic tone, rolling his eyes again. "You happy, Mom?"

Josh's lip curve upwards with nothing but concern. "Yeah. Yeah."

•••

They're playing Mario Kart and Tyler is kicking Josh's ass.

"Take that, loser!" Tyler giggles, the tip of his tongue poking out of the corner of his mouth. Josh laughs lightly, paying less attention to the game and more on Tyler.

There was a moment where Josh wanted to stay there, in that second, forever. Tyler was so happy, eyes lit up with joy in the dark room, legs crossed on the floor. Everything was good, it was right again- so different from the distant and snappy Tyler that he had come to know.

"Josh?" Tyler creases his forehead at Josh, who blinks and looks back at the screen, where he has fallen into twelfth place. Josh smiled a bit and turned back to the game, fingers faltering on the screen. He looks at Tyler, who is smiling back at him, eyes creased around the corners.

Tyler wins- again. He gives a loud whoop and laughs. Josh laughs with him, smiling in a way that makes his nose scrunch up and his eyes squint. Tyler giggles and looks at him, still beaming. "You look like a cat when you do that."

"Do I?" Josh laughs again, his tongue resting between his top and bottom teeth. Tyler only nods and laughs, before doubling over, his body shaking with coughs.

Josh stops laughing and his forehead creases with worry. He scoots closer to his friend on the floor and bends over to try to see his face. He places a hand on his back and rubs soothing circles in between Tyler's shoulder blades, who just keeps coughing and coughing.

He looks worse, too- his skin has become paler and more sunken, eyes bloodshot and ringed with purple. Josh worries about Tyler more than he should, really.

Tyler sits up and looks at Josh. He speaks quietly, almost too quiet for Josh to hear, whispering, "Thanks," before shifting his body so he could lie down with his head on Josh's lap. Josh absentmindedly tugs at Tyler's hair, a habit he has developed over the years. Tyler seems to enjoy it, too, so Josh doesn't really have a reason to stop.

"Tyler?" Josh speaks, eyes studying the paused Mario Kart game. He can feel Tyler's head move in his lap, and he looks down to meet Tyler's questioning gaze. "Are you... are you okay?"

Tyler's eyebrows furrow and Josh falters, trying to find the right words. "Like... you're being really distant and you're not taking care of yourself and it's worrying me, Ty, it really is."

Tyler is silent. Josh chews the inside of his lip, eyes still trained on Tyler, who averted his gaze and is now staring at the ceiling, blinking. "Ty?" Josh encourages, hand stilling on Tyler's head.

Tyler sighs and closes his eyes. "I mean, I guess I'm fine."

"No," Josh's voice is firm. "I know you're not okay, Ty. Just... talk to me, maybe? Maybe talking about it will help?"

"You sound like my therapist," Tyler huffs a breath of a laugh.

Josh blinks. Tyler had never told him he went to a therapist. "You go to a therapist?"

"Oh," Tyler freezes. "I mean, yeah, but it's nothing too serious, I promise." Tyler starts to twist and bend his hands and fingers- something he's been doing a lot of recently, and Josh hasn't let it escape his attention.

"Tyler," Josh drones. He remembers the phone call Tyler's mother had with a 'Dr. Morrison' and decides to ask about 'the eyes'. "Ty, what- who are 'the eyes'?"

Tyler's gaze snaps up to meet Josh's gaze again. "Don't let them hear you say that."

"What-"

"Come with me." Tyler surges forward and sits up, using his hands to help himself stand. Josh hesitantly stands up with him, following him out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom. Tyler steps quietly and urgently, ushering Josh into the bathroom and closing the door behind him. He checks the lock and whips back around to face Josh.

"How do you know about the eyes?" Tyler's eyes are narrowed, but fear fills them.

"I-" Josh holds his hand up, eyes wide. "I just heard you mom on the phone with someone, talking about it-"

Tyler's eyes begin to tear up and Josh gasps. "No, Tyler, shh," He coos, standing up from his seat on the edge of the bathtub and making his way to Tyler, who was leaning against the door. Tyler slides down so he sits on the floor and curls his legs up so his face is buried in them, and Josh sits down next to him, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. "It's okay, it's okay."

"No," Tyler shakes his head. "It's not okay. I'm not okay. I'm-" His voice breaks and he closes his mouth, lips pressed tightly together.

"Can you-" Josh speaks softly. "Can you tell me who the eyes are?"

Tyler presses the heels of his hands to his eyes and takes a shaky breath. "They watch me all the time, I- I can see them in the dark, glowing. They're always there and they talk to me, sometimes, and I hate them, I hate them, I hate them-" He gulps for air loudly, a sob escaping his lips. Josh's thumb rubs circles on Tyler's forearm. "They tell me to do things, they keep me up at night- I mean, sometimes they're nice to me, and I appreciate the company, I do- I mean," Tyler bites his lip. "Josh, make them leave me alone? Please, please-"

"It's okay, I love you, I'll keep you safe," Josh pulls Tyler closer, and Tyler buries his face into Josh's chest, hands clutching the fabric of his shirt. "What- what kind of things do they make you do, Ty?" He's almost scared to ask.

"They-" A new sob escaped Tyler's mouth. "Bad things, bad things, bad things to myself, it hurts- I'm so hungry, Josh," He whines, lips moving as he speaks against Josh's chest. Josh suppresses a sob, and pushes his nose into the top of Tyler's head. They cry together, there on the cold tile floor of the bathroom, huddled against the door.

"It's okay," Josh whispers into Tyler's hair. "It's okay."

•••

It's not okay.

"Josh?" His mother calls as Josh storms into the house, furiously wiping at his eyes and taking the stairs two at a time to his room. "Josh, honey, are you okay?"

Josh calls back, "Sure." It's sarcastic and his mother knows it, having put up with him for as long as he has been alive. He can almost hear her sigh, and soon after, he can hear her footsteps ascending the stairs. He groans into his pillow, having fallen onto the bed, and curls his knees up to his chest and keeps his face buried in his pillow. Maybe if he can't breathe, it will all go away- but he knows that's not how it works, as much as he wishes it was.

"Josh," His mother knocks lightly on his bedroom door and opens it, the hinges creaking just slightly and the bottom of the door scraping along the too-thick carpet. He mumbles something incoherent and presses his face farther into his pillow. He can feel the bed dip next to him where his mother sits and soon after, her hand appears on his back, causing him to jump. She begins to rub small circles on his back and he leans into her touch, craving some sort of comfort.

"Josh, what's the matter, love?" She speaks softly. Josh rolls over and looks at his mom with tear-stained eyes.

"I think- Mom, Tyler's... he's messed up, Mom," Josh's eyebrows furrow and he bites back a sob. "I mean... he's literally starving himself, he's- there's something wrong with him Mom, it's killing him."

Josh watches his mother intently, who is silent, staring at a spot on the bed next to Josh's curled up knees. She exhales slowly. "I know, Josh, his mother keeps me updated- Josh, your friend is- well, I hate to be the one to tell you this-"

Josh's eyebrows draw together. "What, Mom?"

"He has tried to commit suicide in the past, Josh."

Josh is silent.

He watches out of the corner of his eye as his mother smiles sadly at him and stands up, leaving the room and closing the door quietly.

•••

Josh sits through school nervously. Tyler hasn't come in for school today, and Josh is worried, to say the least- it's a strange feeling that he has, really, a sense of protectiveness and something else, something else Josh can't quite place a name to, but he wishes Tyler was here, just so he could be close to him and keep him safe.

The teacher drones on about something Josh couldn't care less about. It's last period, so Josh can go to Tyler's after school, hopefully- he doesn't really want to go home, just because his mother hadn't told him about Tyler earlier and honestly, he was a little upset- because all he wants to do is spend as much time as he can with Tyler, to protect Tyler and generally just be around Tyler.

That's all that fills his mind, these days- Tyler, and something Tyler did once, and something he wants to do with Tyler, and remember that time that Tyler did that thing. Josh frowns. He cares about Tyler, he really does, and all he wants is for him to be safe.

As soon as the bell rings, Josh hightails it out of the door and grabs his bike from the rack. He's the first one out of the building, so the streets are empty, and he can pedal as fast as he wants to to Tyler's house. Once Tyler's house gets into view, Josh speeds up, hopping off the bike as it moves with an urgency because something feels wrong, like there's something in the house that's not usually there or something.

Josh lets himself in, leaving his bike lying down in the driveway. It's dark, like normal, but his mother isn't home, and there's noises coming from upstairs. Josh leaves the door open, not really caring, and takes the stairs two at a time, running up the carpeted steps as fast as his legs can carry him.

The door to Tyler's bedroom is wide open, something Josh hasn't seen in a long, long time. He pokes his head in and it's empty, the curtains flung carelessly open. A feeling of panic grows in the pit of Josh's stomach and he jogs down the hallway. "Tyler?" He calls, a slight waver in his voice.

There's noise coming from the bathroom. The door to the bathroom is closed, and Josh jogs up to the door, his body slamming into it as his hands reach for the knob, twisting it and finding it locked.

"Tyler?" He yells, fist banging on the door. "Tyler!" He throws his weight against the door, hands still on the knob. His eyes begin to tear up, and he begins to cry, the feeling of panic washing up into his throat with bile.

"Tyler, open the door," He cries, body weakening as he continues to throw it against the fast-holding door. "Open the fucking door, Tyler, please?"

He bangs his fist against the door again, his body stilling. He stands there, one fist up against the door, his forehead pressed to the wood. "Please," His voice is hoarse and cracked, tears streaming down his flushed face. "Tyler, please, I love you."

He had said it before, and Tyler had said it back, but it was different this time- this time, it meant something more, something more than a platonic 'I love you'. And Josh knows it. He can't bring himself to care.

It is silent except for Josh's quiet hiccups of breath. He bites his lip and holds his breath in an attempt to hold back an onslaught of more tears, but another sharp exhale escapes and he breaks down again. "Please," He sobs. "Please, please, Tyler-"

The lock clicks.

Josh looks up and immediately twists the knob, throwing the door open with all the force in his body and his eyes automatically land on the huddle by the bathtub. Tyler is standing in the corner, the left side of his face pressed against the tiling on the wall. He has his hands cupped into a ball and a glass of water is on the sink, which is within arms reach to Tyler.

Josh stands in the doorway, unsure of what to do. Tyler is staring at him with such fear that Josh can't really bring himself to move. His hand still rests on the doorknob, biting his lip.

"Tyler?" He speaks softly, voice cracking again from crying.

Tyler shakes his head, pulling his cupped hands closer to him. "Don't- don't come closer, Josh-"

Josh takes a step closer to Tyler and Tyler starts to cry silently, eyes not moving from Josh's. "You can't- No, Josh, you don't understand, they're making me-"

"Tyler-"

"No, Josh, don't touch me!" Tyler screams. His voice is fearful, and he pushes himself farther into the corner, cowering away from Josh. "Let me die, I just want-" He begins to sob, holding his cupped hands to his chest, finally breaking eye contact with Josh. "I just want to die-"

Josh steps quickly across the room to stand in front of Tyler, arms wrapping around him. He presses his face into Tyler's neck and cried. Tyler doesn't speak- he just leans his head into Josh's and cups his hands tighter, which are trapped between their bodies.

Josh leans back and puts his hands over the other boy's. "Tyler, I-" He looks down at their hands. "Can you open your hands?" They're both still crying, and Tyler shakes his head, biting his lip. Fresh sobs escape his throat as Josh presses their foreheads together.

Josh takes Tyler's hands again. Tyler shakes his head again and Josh makes what he hopes is a comforting noise, gently prying the taller boy's hands apart. He chokes on sobs as tens, hundreds of pills scatter to the floor, making noise against the tile. Loud sobs escape Tyler's throat and he slides down the wall to rest of the floor, curling his knees up to his chest. Josh kneels next to him and wraps his arms around him again, pressing his face into his neck. He can feel Tyler do the same, his hot tears pressing against his own neck.

They cry on the floor together, huddling against the wall. "I love you too," Tyler whispers against Josh's neck. Josh just hugs him tighter, holding the younger boy closer. It's different this time, and Josh smiles a little through his tears.

•••

Tyler is suffering and Josh knows it.

With every passing day, Josh can physically see Tyler's mentality fray at the edges and deteriorate at a sure pace. His hands shake more than normal, and he smiles less- when he does, it's empty, and his eyes don't crinkle at the corners like they used to.

And Josh is scared.

He walks into Tyler's house one day to check on him and stops at the slightly-ajar door to Tyler's bedroom, his hand resting gently on the knob. He can hear Tyler moving around inside, the bed sheets rustling with every motion.

Soon, noise begins. Josh doesn't move as he begins to hear the strains of a ukulele being played. Josh knows Tyler plays ukulele- he remembers when Tyler first got it for his birthday.

"Josh, look!" Tyler laughed, holding the wooden instrument in front of him. "Look! I already know some chords!" He placed his ring finger on the bottom string and strummed. "That's a C chord." He giggled, Josh smiling widely at him, encouraging him as he played more and more confidently.

Tyler would sometimes play his ukulele for Josh- songs he knew, songs that Tyler had written himself. Josh usually finds himself enjoying the ones Tyler wrote more- Tyler's lyrics were dark and moving and real, something a lot of songs lack. He loved Tyler's original songs, and could sometimes imagine them played on the radio, a drum mean behind them and and everything.

And the song he hears Tyler strumming now is not a familiar one- it was one of Tyler's own, he could tell, but this one, it was different, somehow.

"We all are stranger creatures than when we all started out as kids," He hears Tyler sing through the crack in the door, voice full of what seemed like anguish to Josh.

He sits down against the wall right next to where the door has swung open slightly. He closes his eyes and listens Tyler sing, his voice trembling as he sings his last line. Josh slowly stands up and tentatively knocks on the door frame, ducking his head into the room.

Tyler is sitting cross-legged on the bed, ukulele resting, forgotten, in his lap. His head is hung, and he keeps whispering that last line, "Make them stop," over and over again, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides. Josh sinks down onto the bed next to him and pulls his fist open, twining his fingers into the other boy's.

"Tyler?" Josh whispers. He ducks down so he can look at Tyler's face. They make eye contact, and Tyler freezes before leaning fully into Josh's body. Josh watches the taller boy frown a bit before moving around so he is sitting sideways in Josh's lap, leaning into Josh's chest.

"I love you," Tyler whispers, eyes closed, brow slightly furrowed.

Josh bites his lip. "I love you too, Ty, I-" His voice is cut off by a sudden and overwhelming urge to cry and he chokes back a sob, holding the back of his hand to his mouth. Instead of speaking, he leans down and kisses the top of Tyler's head, which is now resting on his shoulder.

Tyler makes a content noise and and Josh smiles. He looks affectionately at the boy in his lap as he pushes his face father into Josh's chest. "What was that song about?"

Tyler shrugs a bit. "Just sort of a goodbye." He speaks softly into the material of Josh's shirt, eyes still closed.

Josh frowns a bit, a knot of panic forming in the pit of his stomach momentarily. He hums questioningly, craning his neck forward to look at the other boy leaning against him. Tyler only shrugs again. "To the eyes."

Josh swallows a lump in his throat. "Okay." He dismisses the topic, anxiety still bubbling in his chest. Tyler only smiles, inhaling slowly before letting all the air out in one big breath.

It is silent again. It seemed as if they were always silent these days- or at least a lot of the time. There isn't really a need for conversation. Sure, it is nice to communicate, but it's also nice to sit in silence and enjoy each other's company.

"Josh?" Tyler mumbles. Josh looks down at Tyler, who is looking back up at him through tired lidded eyes. Josh hums, raising his eyebrows. "Thank you."

Josh isn't quite sure what Tyler is thanking him for, but it doesn't really matter- he smiles down at him and presses his face into the top of Tyler's head. "I love you," he murmurs into his hair.

"I love you too," Tyler says.

Josh sighs. "No, I mean- Tyler, I love you-"

Tyler looks up, forcing Josh to take his lips away from the top of Tyler's hair. "I love you too," he speaks firmly.

Josh smiles and takes his arms from out behind him to wrap around Tyler, who snuggles closer into Josh's torso.

Josh listens to Tyler breathe. It's a comforting sort of white noise, a presence that says that his best friend (are they more? Josh doesn't know) is alive and here, here with Josh.

Soon, Tyler's breath slows down, and Tyler falls asleep, his head still against Josh's chest. Josh suppresses a chuckle at the way Tyler's jaw falls slack, slightly open to show off the tops of his bottom teeth. The tip I his tongue rests against the backs of those teeth and Josh smiles a watery smile. He presses yet another kids to the top of the sleeping boy's head and whispers "I love you" once more, almost as a reminder to himself.

"I love you."

•••

Tyler Joseph died on Sunday, January 12.

Josh's mother gets him up in the middle of the night, tears streaming down her face. The only thing she can say is, "Tyler."

They throw on jackets and Josh sprints the five blocks to Tyler's house, leaving him mother behind. An ambulance passes him on the way, making the tears in Josh's eyes fall harder and faster. He wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand and lets out a sob, He knows Tyler's house when he sees it, but doesn't even need to think about it- ambulances and police cars are haphazardly parked around the two-story house. He runs up to the scene, barely containing his tears at some point.

It's almost as if he's watching through a screen. He's seeing everything, but he can't really control himself- he doesn't know what to do with his body. It's a sensory overload. A team EMTs are running into the house, jumping from the ambulance and into the house, past a couple of cops who are leading Tyler's mother, father and siblings out of the house. They're clinging to each other, crying into each other's shoulders. Lights are flashing and it's loud, so loud, but it's muffled, and Josh can hear himself crying, but it doesn't seem real. He surges forward from where he was standing hesitantly away from the house and the crying family, because he didn't belong, he didn't deserve to cry with them- not when he was never really a part of the family.

He moves to step into the house, and is blocked by a cop, who pushes him back, saying something about "family only," and Josh snaps.

"I'm his boyfriend- what happened, I-" He holds a hand to his mouth and stops struggling to pass the cop, instead collapsing forward onto the sidewalk, onto his knees. He looks back up at the cop, who looks concerned. "What- please tell me what happened, please-" he's cut off by another sob escaping his mouth. The cop looks like he isn't sure what to do. He looks like he's about to say something but whips around, eyes trained on the commotion inside the house.

When the first EMT emerges, Josh stumbles to his feet, stepping forward before stopping, everything becoming muffled as the front of the stretcher appears. The EMTs roll it out in slow motion, the sheet covering the silhouette of Tyler, Tyler, just the tips of his fingers escaping the folds of the white fabric. Josh can't move, he can't talk, he can't cry, he can only stare as they yell at each other, mouths moving in half speed, no sound escaping their lips. They lift the stretcher into the back of the ambulance, still yelling at each other, even though they know that they're too late. They're too late.

Josh stumbles forward a couple more steps, hands hanging limply by his sides. The remaining EMTs gently urge Tyler's family into the back of another ambulance after the first one left, not paying any mind to Josh, who just watched them, tears silently streaming down his face, mouth slightly open. Josh's mother catches his eye and opens her mouth, saying something to one of the EMTs, who turns around and looks Josh dead in the eye, who lets out another sob.

Another EMT moves to Josh, placing a gentle hand on his arm, prodding him towards the ambulance. He absentmindedly moves in the direction- he can't think anything besides Tyler Tyler Tyler Tyler Tyler Tyler Tyler-

"Josh?" He is startled by the sound, and his head jerks up to look at Tyler's mother, who is looking at him with tear-stained eyes. He is sitting next to her in the ambulance, which he doesn't really remember doing, but he doesn't question it- all he knows is that his hands are shaking and he's cold and his eyes burn and Tyler is most likely probably dead, and he doesn't know what to do because everything is blurring around him, and oh, he might pass out-

"Josh," Tyler's mother is crying again, gently pressing against Josh's arm.

Josh looks back up at her. "Hello," he slurs, eyes unfocused, still silently crying. "Hi, Ms. Joseph."

"Please," she says, heavy tears beginning to form again her eyes. "Call me Kelly."

Josh breaks down again and leans against Kelly's chest, her arms encircling him. She hugs him tight, crushing his ribcage, and he can feel the rest of the family watching them, but Josh can't bring himself to care.

They get to the hospital ten minutes after the first one arrives. Kelly stiffly removes her arms from around Josh and moves towards the exit in a rushed manner. Josh knows that she's still hopeful about her son, but Josh knows, he knows they were too late, too late-

He walks into the waiting room behind the rest of the family in a daze. He watches as the doctor emerges from the hall, a sympathetic look on his face. Josh turns away, listening to Tyler's family break down in tears again, ignoring the stares from the other patients waiting to be seen.

He steps outside into the crisp, cool air and cries again, silently, staring up at the sky.

He walks home alone, hands jammed into his pockets. As he walks, a song emerges in his head and plays over and over again as he cries harder, head bent towards the pavement.

"I know there's someone at the door, they called for help, of this I'm sure," Josh sings along to Tyler's voice in his head, voice altered and cracked from his tears. "But do I want to say goodbye to all the glowing eyes." He lets out a loud sob and he bends his head back, looking back up at the barely-visible stars in the 3am light.

"I'm holding on to what I know, and what I know, I must let go," Josh yells at the sky through his tears which roll down his cheeks and drip into his mouth. He sobs again, the meaning of the words hitting him like a brick.

"But I would rather play a song for the eyes to sing along."

**Author's Note:**

> comments + kudos appreciated !!


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